Dear Reza,

I'm calling you Reza because you're my age, and if my wife doesn't call me Prince in the bedroom anymore, you too are too old to be called a Prince anymore.

And since you puzzlingly appear to be hesitant to claim your father's throne, we can't really call you King. Can we?

What exactly are you waiting for? The Americans to install you?

Admit it. Once again, whether through your always inept "Secretaries" who claim to be protecting you from the real world, or through your own stupidity, You've screwed up. Again.

Given recent events and your demonstrated consistency in failing to launch, at age 65, you should seriously consider retirement. Along with your US residency (or is it citizenship?), the US provides a decent retirement pension, and you qualify for free US healthcare. Which isn't much. But more than your similarly distracted father should have paid more attention to.

But seriously, give up man. You clearly don't want any of the jobs available to you. You've done so much to avoid them.

To be King of Iran (which is your birthright) according to the last Constitution of Iran (which is technically still in play because it was never officially or legally invalidated per the rules in itself), all you need to do is swear the oath of allegiance and you're the GD King of Iran!

Are you going to do this?

If you don't want that job (why would anyone not want to be a King?), why don't you use some of the money your Daddy left you, and sue Iran in the World Court for illegitimacy?

Here's your case; The Islamic Republic is based on the lie that the people of Iran (through the rigged referendum) voted for an Islamic Republic. They didn't. They voted against a Monarchy in favor of a Democratic Republic (which does not eliminate the Monarchy). But a even a rigged Referendum is not a legal basis for dissolving the 1906 Constitution of Iran.

So you can sue Iran for illegally replacing the 1906 one, with Khomeini's toilet tissue 1979 one, and Khamenei's truly blood-in-the stool 1989 one. That conveniently eliminated amendment clauses and gave him all-power forever. Since not one Iranian objected, for free.

Any one of the many Iranian traffic lawyers should be able to win this case. Because the facts are simply too irrefutable. Although nothing will happen, Iran will have to endure the international shame of everyone in the world knowing they merely cheated to win, and therefore didn't really win, and are only in power because of bullying the same people they claim voted for them, who in the past weeks have amply demonstrated they want them out.

If you don't want to do that, why don't you use some of the money your Daddy left you, and prove your leadership skills, by hosting a "Convention on Iran" in Washington DC, where you can invite ALL THE OPPPOSITION GROUPS AND ANYONE WITH ANY IDEAS to come to one place and offer their criticisms of the (illegitimate) Iranian government?

Specifically ask every single one of the attendees to write a paper on why using a book of quaint romantic poetry is no way to run a country.

Then ask everyone to offer real tangible detailed solutions to Iran's so many problems, under the title "HOW WE CAN MAKE IRAN GREAT AGAIN".

Then collect all the solutions and put together a really good panel of noted experts and legitimately good people, to rank and list and sort and prioritize according to some sort of logical next steps.

Then ask them for a budget to implement it.

Then publish everything across the internet and beyond, and then send a copy of the list of action items developed during the conference, to Iran, and ask them to implement it. Or else.

You know, LEAD!

Finally, if you are simply too confused, or erectionally dysfunctional, or unsure, or emotionally too sad, and therefore unable to do any of these things, why don't you simply camp out in front of Mar-A-Lago and demand an audience with a real King. He has a price in mind. Offer it to him! Give him whatever he wants to put you back in charge! Don't worry, WE ARE ALL OK WITH THAT! Long term Oil and Gas concessions? FINE! Mineral rights? NO PROBLEM! Permanent US military bases? HOW MANY DO YOU NEED?

Anything and everything necessary to remove the scum upon the earth, who have only ever soiled our precious homeland, once and for all.

And don't worry about any promises we all know you probably have to make to get your dad's job back. Everyone knows you will instantly break those promises as soon as you can. It's what we do.

After all, America invented inconvenient deal-breaking.