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So there is a curse. That's interesting—Jack Sparrow
'I never forget a face, but in your case I’d be glad to make an exception.' —Groucho Marx (1890-1977)
My sister's gay friend recently got married to his partner. His mother sent him a sewing machine. "She wants to make me more gay," he said.—My sister
I think we should take Iran and Iraq and combine them into one country and call it Irate. All the pissed off people live in one place and get it over with.—Denis Leary
You can observe a lot by just watching. —Yogi Berra
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.—Groucho Marx
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead. —Stan Laurel
I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself. —Louis C. K.
Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we'll find it. —Sam Levenson
I feel so blessed that the government protects my wife and me from the dangers of gay marriage so we can safely go buy some assault weapons.—Will Ferrell @will_ferrell
It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like.—Jackie Mason
Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man, living in the sky who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of 10 things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these 10 things, he has a special place full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever till the end of time... But he "loves you".—George Carlin
You ever notice on the TV-news every time some guy with a machine-gun strolls on to a school yard and kills three or four kids and a couple of teachers, the next day... the next day the school in overrun with counsellors, and psychiatrics, and grief counsellors, and trauma therapists trying to help the child cope. When I was in school, someone came to our school and killed three or four of us; we went right on with our arithmetic: "35 classmates minus 4... equals 31". We were tough. —George Carlin
A wife is like too much wealth, NOT having her around is a problem and HAVING her around is another problem.—an Iranian diesel driver
"THE GOVERNMENT IS TRYING TO TAKE AWAY OUR RIGHT TO [insert verb]!"—Conspiracy Theorists
"Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream."—George W. Bush

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