An old acquaintance called me today. He is one of those whom, for the lack of a better term, I call conspiracy theory enthusiast (CTE). His malady I attribute to the repeated trauma he has suffered in his past and present lives. He comes from a long line of armchair patriots who witnessed – participated in? - every major nationalistic uprising in Iran, since the time of Babak Khorramdin. His grandfather reported the arrival of Satar Khan in Tehran, and his later surrender in Atabak Park, for Reuters. His father was a BBC correspondent in Tehran during the oil nationalization upheaval. He was in our balcony facing the Old Shemiran Road, when thousands of black-clad demonstrators poured out of the Hosseinieh Ershad, denouncing the Shah.
I digressed. He called me earlier today to report that NSA had hacked the computer in the Ministry of Interior and had changed the vote cast for Jalili in favor of Rouhani. Knowing him, I was not surprised. So, calmly I asked, “How do you know NSA can hack the computers in the Interior Ministry?” “If they can hack so many centrifuges in Natanz, why can't they hack that old IBM main-frame in the Interior Ministry?”, he asked, rhetorically. “How do you know, they have an IBM computer over there?”, I asked. “What else can they have with all these 'crippling' sanctions? A hack-proof supercomputer?”, he answered.
Conspiracy theorists' cyclical argument style always frustrates me. I feel Plato is turning in his grave. So I said, “Okay, let's assume NSA can hack the computer in the Ministry of Interior. Why would they do that? What's in it for them?” He laughed hysterically, and then with the confidence of a bulldozer rolled over me, “What's in it for them? You ought to be kidding me!” I felt harassed. So, I swallowed my saliva – and my pride – and kept my mouth shut, to hear what he had to say. With the assumed authority of a grade school teacher, he continued, “Who do you think has the technology and the motive to put the image of Rouhani on the moon, for millions of Iranian voters to see?”
I was speechless, at this point. I wanted to hang up the phone. But, I couldn't. I remembered those days of the Revolution, when I heard some people had seen the image of Khomeini on the moon. However, I never thought of that image as being man made. As though he had read my mind, CTE said, “You know, a BBC poll last week showed that 50.7% of Iranian voters were undecided. Clearly, they were waiting for a divine revelation - a nedai-e asemani - to tell them for whom they should vote. So, now they have it, their latest savior.”
By then I knew he was going to go on and on and on. After all, he was the one who had lectured me about the Zeitgeist, about the Trilateral Commission, about Brzezinski's green belt doctrine, about Guadeloupe summit, and about every other real or imagined force that could and would shape our political – not to mention, social – life. So, I gathered all the courage I knew in me, and interrupted him, “Okay! Okay. Then let me ask you this: If the Iranian voters so sheepishly follow whatever they see in the sky, why did the NSA need to hack the computers in the Interior Ministry?” “They didn't want to leave anything to chance. They wanted a bullet-proof first-round outcome for this election,” he said.
One of the impressive characteristics of the CTE type is that he has the answer for every question up his sleeve, which he can pull out at a moment's notice. Nevertheless, I ventured asking, “The last time we spoke, you said, they prefer Jalili because he would give them the pretext they need for war. Now, you are saying, they want Rouhani. What changed?” He said, “with Syria not going their way, and Turkey in turmoil these days, they want to stabilize Iran, for now.” I hung up.
Beautiful..........just beautiful...............
I feel your pain.
Mehrdad
P.S. BTW, Excellent writing
Phantom,
Thanks. I appreciate it.
Bavafa 1,
Thanks for your sympathy.
I enjoyed reading this story.
Good work.
I have run into quite a few of them myself, so i totally relate.
DoctorMohandes,
CTEs – aka Daei Jan Napoleons – are the epiphenomena of our half-baked introduction to modernity, and a jaundiced political education system traumatized by fear and censorship. I regard them as unsophisticated and superstitious.
There are so many terrible things happening in front of our eyes we don't need conspiracy theories. They won't go away though. That would require gene-replacement therapy :)
Loved it, real gem. ;o)
Jahanshah,
I beg to differ. What is lost – to a large degree – in our discourse is rationalism. Turning to conspiracy theories is just one symptom of that loss. What we need is hardcore – Cartesian as opposed to ecclesiastical – science education, not gene therapy. If we are to advocate secular democratic values, rationalism is where we need to start.
Rea,
Thanks. I am humbled.
This friend in this blog is close to home! I also have a CTE friend. In his mid fifty's, he is a leftover from the failed left of Iran. He no longer subscribes to them, though. His conspiracy theroies cover a wide range of US government's role in everything, the role of Israel's radical Jewish minority in controlling all banks, Hollywood, and New York. He can explain everything IRI does, and of course he explains the failure of Monarchy during 1350-57. He even educates us that the US and England work very hard to keep the theocractic regime in Iran. He says the US embargo is designed to keep the regime in power, not to weaken it.
Oh, and 9/11 is an inside job, and, finally, he recently gave us -- his friends -- a remarkable break by moderating his CT view by qualifying "maybe" Sandyhook massacre was work of US military experimenting a drug to make the youth go crazy. He calls this a new weapon in advancing the psychological warfare industry. I am convinced he has convinced himself of all these.
"What is lost – to a large degree – in our discourse is rationalism"
I could NOT agree more.
Mehrdad
naazer,
I am with you on education. But what's the solution if what Jahanshah implies is the case?