Anyone who has read my posts on this and the old Iranian.com site knows that I’ve been called pretty much anything and everything by the esteemed…and the not-so-esteemed, members of the respective sites. I’ve been called an Israeli AND an Islamic Republic agent on the same thread….hell, I’ve even been called an alternate username for JJ! I generally don’t care, I laugh it off, and chalk it all up to the Iranian conspiracy theory mindset. But something happened not too long ago that changed the whole thing. You see, I posted a poetry blog as a joke—well, it was first meant as a joke, but then a lot a folks took it seriously, and I noticed that hey…it wasn’t really a bad thing for me to translate a nursery rhyme. So, perhaps it wasn’t a joke—or it shouldn’t have been meant as one. But that’s not the point. What I’m trying to get to is that somehow the blog descended into a discussion about my gender, ethnicity, race, religion (that’s odd) etc. Not unusual for me. I was amused (as usual) reading the comments over a glass of wine. What really caught my eye though was a comment left by my buddy Siavash. He said that he thought that I was Jewish because of a comment that I had once left on the old Iranian.com where I had said that I went to the library and identified a librarian as Jewish because of the way she looked. I read that comment several times over. Did I really say that? What a fucked up, anti-Semitic thing to say! Who am I, Amon Goth?! And then I remembered. Siavash is correct! I did say that. But for me to explain the why, when, and how I must confess to a couple of bigger, darker secrets.
I am an alcoholic. But I’m not just any alcoholic, but an alcoholic who turns into a raging anti-Semite when I drink. It’s a terrible, dark affliction, but one that I have had to live with for a very long time. It is now time for me to come clean. Maybe this confession will be the first step to my road to recovery and rehabilitation.
As to the particular incident that Siavsh refers to, well, here’s the full story. It was the winter of 2011-2012. It was a cold, snowy day. I arrived in my office at around 8:30, and was immediately called into my boss, Ira Levine’s office. He asked me to sit down and then handed me a memo.
“I need you to go down to DC.”
“Why,” I asked.
“I need you to get me some data on the migratory patterns of okapi.”
“Okapi?”
“Yes, okapi.”
“I thought those were solitary animals. They don’t migrate. They’re pretty much in one location in the DRC. Plus, I don’t know anything about those things. All I know is what I’ve seen on TV.”
“No, we think they migrate. And what you may or may not know is besides the point. We need the research done.”
“Why do I have to go to DC? Can’t you call the Bronx Zoo? They’ve got to have something on it.”
“I did. They have nothing. And before you tell me to Google it, I already did. Nothing much there either. You’ll need to go to the Library of Congress in DC. They have some material on it.”
“Aren’t those online?”
“No. Their okapi archives are not yet digitized. You’ll need to be there in person to look them up. You can catch the train this morning.”
“Today?!”
“Yes. Today. Our client has given us three days to put a memo together. We need this done. Aren’t you the large mammal migration expert?”
“Not every large mammal! What, you expect me to know the migratory patterns of the wildebeest too?”
“You don’t?!!”
“….”
“Just go to DC and get this done.”
An hour later I was on the Acela heading down to DC. I hated it. I hated everything about this project…the whole thing. What a fuck is an okapi anyway? A freak of nature. A blind zebra mistakenly getting it on with a giraffe millions of years ago thinking it was his own kind. The result is this freak show. And here I am, having to waste a whole day in freezing weather going down to DC trying to figure out where it spends its summer vacation. And who the fuck is this client who has a deadline for knowing what this animal does? I needed a drink!
I walk over to the bar car, and grab myself a gin and tonic…and another one…and another one. That fucking Ira Levine…Jew! Another gin and tonic. What was this assignment anyway? It must be for Israel. Ira works for Israel. This whole environmental consulting thing is a cover for an Israeli operation against Iran. I gulp down the gin and tonic. They’re sending okapis to attack Iran! Another drink. That must be it. Wait, do okapis wear Yakamas? Probably! They’re probably the Hasbara. They leave comments on Iranian sites so that Iran can be attacked! I have to warn them. Shit! I forgot to charge my laptop. A shot of straight, warm gin. Jews. Ira Must have done it. He probably unplugged my laptop in the office so that I can’t warn Iranians of the imminent okapi onslaught. Wait, wasn’t my laptop in my backpack the whole time? That doesn’t matter. The Jews probably drained the battery anyway. They have those Jew battery draining devices. Just one more gin and tonic before we get to DC…maybe a couple more….Jews…that’s all I can think of….
We reach DC, and I’m completely hammered. I stumble into the Library of Congress. How did I get here from the station? It doesn’t matter. I’m here. I’m directed to the third floor, the okapi collection vault. I take the stairs. On my way up, I down two of the ten little bottles of Johnny Walker reds that I bought on the train and that I have in my backpack—the kind that you find in little fridges in hotel rooms. I got to keep the buzz going. They told me to ask for the librarian when I get up there. So, when I get there, I walk right up to the circulation desk. And there…there….that’s where she was: the Jewish librarian! I could immediately tell. She had the big, round, dark Jewey eyes, and that unmistakable Cephalic Index score that I could tell (even without looking at my wallet sized index guide) belonged to a Jew. And that Jew-fro. My goodness, woman, can’t you straighten the fro like the rest of your kind?! Oh, and her name was Hadassah Goldstein—it said it n her name plate on her desk. Anyway, the Jewey Jew Jew took me to the shelves and pointed out all the volumes on okapi migration. She asked me if I needed any more “help.” Right! As if I haven’t seen that trick played by Jews before. Next she would want my name---so that she can report me to Israel and stop me from posting a comment on Iranian.com and warn Iran and Iranians of the mass okapi attack. Good luck Jew woman! I say no, and watch her as she walks away. I down two more bottles. Then grab the volumes and copy them.
After having lunch at a Jamaican restaurant in DuPont Circle and polishing off half a glass of wine, I’m back on the train heading back to Manhattan. I go to the bar car again and grab another gin tonic. Then another, and then another. I then pop open my laptop that’s now fully charged. There’s Wi-Fi on the Acela, and I’m connected.
I wake up. The laptop is on and on my lap. I’m back in the another car. I’m not in the bar car anymore. There’s s man sitting next to me. I don’t know him. I’m sobering up. The nap must have done its job. I look at the time. I’ve been asleep for at least three hours. We’ll be in Manhattan soon. Then my stomach drops. I see Iranian.com on my laptop. I look at the history, and my worst fears come true. Here’s where my other confession comes in: I have several other usernames on Iranian.com. I only use them when I’m inebriated, and only to post anti-Semitic comments. On that day, I had used three of them, P_J, Bavafa, and Dohelzan. Here’s what I had posted:
As P_J: These Zionists have put their filthy, disgusting agents in libraries to prevent us from warning Iranians about attacks on Iran. Why is that dog barking across the street? I will KILL that dog, and I will then kill its owner for walking on my lawn!
As Bavafa: Some say that not all Jews are Zionists! Fuck those people! All Jews are dirty murderers. If the bar code says 456, put it down. BDS all the way. Mehrdad
As Dohlezan, I just posted a YouTube video about gay Jews, and wrote something that didn’t make sense even to myself.
But here’s the worst part: I apparently wanted to tell the story about encountering the Jewish Librarian as one of my other usernames, Jaleho. But I messed up. I logged in as Anonymous Observer, ad posted the whole encounter under that username. So now I understand how Siavash got that story!
Back on the train, I was petrified, embarrassed, and quite frankly, a little hungover. Why do I have to be such a drunk? Why do I have to be such an anti-Semite? Why do I have to be such a mess, such a wreck….? I closed the laptop, rested my head back on the seat, and stared out the window as the train roared on. I noticed the guy sitting next to me staring at trembling legs. He smiled at me, and introduced himself. He asked if anything is bothering me, and if I’m OK. I nodded. I was looking for an answer. The only thing that I could say was “I hate my job,” which is not entirely true. I hated what happened that day, but I kind of like my job…if it wasn’t that whole Jew thing. Wait, am I still drunk? Anyway, he was very understanding. Turned out that he worked for the environmental department of a big oil company. He said they could use someone like me for their oil exploration operations in Alaska. He gave me his card and asked me to meet him for lunch to talk about it. I never did. His name was Jacob Steinberg!
***Portions of this piece were inspired by The Girl on the Train. It’s an awesome book. You should read it before the movie comes out in October.
***Okapis are gentle, lovely animals, and are endangered due to poaching and habitat loss.
I sincerely hope that my good friend Artificial Intelligence--the only real Jewish person on this site--is not offended by the language of this blog. I don't think he would be because I'm pretty sure that he's smart enough to get the real meaning of the post.
AO jaan, as a professional alcoholic, you should know that mixing liquors is not a good idea. Perhaps why you saw that Jewish librarian in the Library of Congress - seeing things my friend.
BTW, I read the girl on the trian to about 60% and I had to give it up. It was boring to me. may be I expected it to be like the "Girl with the Dragon Tatoo" trilogy, which it wasn't!
I am waiting on the Inferno movie: loved the book. It was about a topic I have been concerned about as the good atheist that I am.
Maybe that was it dear COP :-))
You didn't like The Girl on the Train? That's too bad. I couldn't put in down. Finished it in two days. The Dragon Tattoo series were good too. I read all of them, including the last one that was written by David Lagercrantz after Steig Larsson's death. I didn't like that one. I've read the Inferno as well--along with all other Dan Brown "Robert Langdon" series. Inferno was a good book. I'm looking forward to the movie as well.
If you liked the Dragon Tattoo series, you should read Jussi Adler Olsen's crime novels. He's Danish. His books are very popular internationally, and a couple of them were made into films in Denmark. I've read all six in the series, and liked them all. The first one in the series is The Keeper of Lost Causes:
http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/keeper-of-lost-causes-jussi-adler-olsen/1100089071?ean=9780452297906
Great, thanks for the recommendations. I'll check them out.
I've gotten into science/science fiction readings lately too. Not the wild ass stuff, more subtle like The Atlantis trilogy by A.G. Riddle which were good (his first books!!). Right now, I'm reading "Departure" by him. So far so good. I usually take my time reading the books especially when I travel.
Cheers
Dear user name Anonymous Observer,
Thanks for the blog. I enjoyed reading it. It made me laugh at times.
Aside from the memory of that Jewish liberian, something that keep coming to my mind is the story of a guy by the user name of "Mammad".
Apparently he was in one political discussion meetings, most likely in Berekely University, and you were present in that meeting. You said that he suffered from losing his brother and his relatives due to execution.
I felt sorry for the guy, so I was very cautious about making any comment addressing him.
One day, all the sudden, he came online started to bad mouth me and greet P_J and another Mullah's agent by the user name of Iraj khan. I was shocked to see that.
Over the year or so I keep thinking about it. I think that must have lied because no one in healthy state of mind speak highly of the murderers of his brother.
Sincerely,
Siavash
Dear COP- Ok, I haven't read any of Riddle's books, but if you like that genre, (and added dystopian and survival flavor) I highly recommend the Passage Trilogy by Justin Cronin. I just finished the last book which came out in recently, the City of Mirrors. Those books are monsters though, each more than 5oo pages hard copy. I think the City of Mirrors is almost 700 pages hard copy. Here they are:
http://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/passage+trilogy+series?_requestid=485351
Also, if you like sci-fi mixed with mystery and the social complexities of Victorian England, the series that I VERY HIGHLY recommend is the Glass Book of Dream Eaters by Gordon Dahlquist. I LOVED those books. Read them a few years ago, and so far haven't found anything that matches the sophistication and the uniqueness of the plot. I think there were three books. Here they are:
http://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/the+glass+books+of+the+dream+eaters?_requestid=488269
Dear Siavash - You're welcome. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Look, when it comes to this Mammad guy -and others like him--these guys were the 1960's and 70's anti0Shah revolutionaries. We have a couple of them on this site as well. The 1979 revolution was their only accomplishment in their otherwise unremarkable lives. They will go to their graves defending that fiasco. The IR can do pretty much anything and everything to them and their families, and they will still blame the Shah. To do otherwise, will be tantamount to them admitting that they were wrong, which they will NEVER do.
Dear AO I enjoyed it very much. Thanks you!!!! Great witing.
You're welcome dear AI. Thanks for the compliment, and glad you enjoyed it!
Dear A.O,
You will be surprised to learn that some of those people that you think they're revolutionary from 60's or 70's are on payrol by Mullahs' ministry of information. Mininstry of information was skillfully able to keep those monsters in power for that 37 years.
They play as communists.... leninist, maoist.... nationalist...etc, but they're all link to Ministry of Information. Their primary goal is to bash or rather to weaken the opposition in order to maintain Mullahs in power. The weaker opposition is stronger Mullahs and visa versa. They can NOT say "long live Mullahs", but they can easily bash the oppositions under the name of LEFT or Nationalism... etc.
In addition, you will be surpised to learn that those people that you mentioned in your comment such as Mehrdad, Doholzan ... etc are ARABS with fake Iranian name.
For example, one day user name "doholzan" posted a blog of gay parade in Israel. In the above of that picture he wrote : iچون و چرایی
I didn't understand what that meant so I put those words in the google to get English translation and I found out it is translated from the word MODEL.
The other guy Mehrdad is the same.
It is interesting to know that Arabs or rather NONE IRANIAN have a hard time to spell or pronounce my name Siavash. Mehrdad was making mistake in spelling my name all the time. He used to write my name as Sivash or somehting like that. That simple mistake aroused my suspicious.
One day I asked him a question in Farsi and the respond came as فارسی بلد نمی کنمI I put those words in Google and I found out it was a translation of I don't know Farsi.
In English it make sense "I don't know Farsi", but once it get translated to Farsi, it doesn't make sense. It comes out as the sentense I mentioned in the above, which is wrong grammer.
BTW,
There are many Arabs resided in Iran since Islamic criminals occupied the government. They learned basic Farsi. Some of them married Iranian woman Fatty Komandos. They can also be deceiful.
Here is the picture of some of them.
http://anger-flame.blogspot.com/2010/11/blog-post_01.html
Dear Siavash. Some them are unfortunately Iranian. But here's the main problem with these characters: they have causes. Iran or Iranians is not their concern. Their cause is their main concern. That's what the revolution was about: their causes, whether it was to establish communism in Iran, or to free Palestine, or to avenge the so-called 1953 coup at any cost, desire tibsee the U.S. destroyed or humiliated, or just to see the Shah gone without regard to the consequences. And they're still at it. They can't let go. It's an addiction. Third brains are wired that way.
As an example, take a look at the original blog that your comment was on. Read one of Souri's comments. She says that her differences with me stem from the fact that I'm "pro-zionist" and sh e s "anti-zionist." Quite remarkable, isnt it? Just think about that for a second. This is how her brain functions. It's a binary system where everything is separated into who's for or against Palestine. She sees the entire world, and her interactions with everyone else through that prism. For that reason, for her at least, the IR is better than the Shah because the IR is "anti-zionist." It's as simple as that. The same goes with that professor who you mentioned earlier. It doesn't matter what the IR did to his family. The IR still serves his cause, which is Palestine and revenge from America for the 1953 coup and other things.
To these guys Iran is irrelevant. The cause is what matters. And the IR is aligned with their various causes. So, you and I debating with them is really a waste of time. Our priority is our homeland. Theirs are other things. We're on different wavelengths. We might as well be talking to someone from another planet.
A.o
Great comment. Hope everybody reads it.
https://toptopic.com/posts/audio-file-released-iri-involvement-in-mass-execution-of-4000-political-prisoners-in-iran-21036?jump=comment-3303
Cause-heads dear Siavash. That's what I call them. One day I'll do a blog on the subject.
BTW, have you ever seen two Palestinians basing their interactions with each other on whether or not they are pro or against human rights in Iran (or any subject matter important to Iranians)? I haven't. But some of our people are Kaseh daghtar az ash, and Palstine is their sole cause.
Indeed, I have never seen any Palestinian or anyone from Arab world gives a hood about Iran or Iranians.
But I have seen many Iraqis, Lebanese, Saudis who said they hate Iranians. Some of them even wanted to have fist fight with me because I was Iranian. 2 of them were Iraqis who wanted to slab me on my face and the one who wanted to had a fist fight with me was from Lebanon. I never forget those bastards. I should have given the address of Iraj khan, Mehrdad or Soosan khanoom to them. lol.
Unfortunately, I didn't have their addresses.
All those characters whom you mentioned in your comment are residing outside Iran. They're immune from islamists' insults for their bad hejab or getting lashed for drinking alcohol. They never suffered barbaric laws of criminal mullahs. They never felt the pain that Islamic laws imposed on Iranians.
They live in western world, have a goood pay job or they receive some kind of welfare due to their old age and at the same time they enjoy the democracy that westerners has to offer them. So they can easily sit back and talk about reform under criminal mullahs, or bad mouthing shah.
I am sure if any of these characters lived inside Iran and they suffered the same as Iranians, they would have praised late shah for a good life they had during monarchy.
Inside Iran, I have seen many of them who said if they knew what would be happen after shah, they would never let the shah leave the country.