Dear Souri,

First, let may say that I sincerely apologize if I offended you.  I’m of course referring to your comment addressed to me on this thread.  I did not mean to diminish your status as the biggest Generalissimo of the site in terms of being able to put everyone back in their place.  The 35 years of Islamic Republic’s culture of “arbadeh-keshi” have clearly been effective with Iranian citizens both at home or abroad, and have created the best in the world in that category.  Good Iranian folks such as yourself (who excel in the art) can counter the slightest criticism of anything that you do or say by lashing out at the perpetrator, calling her names, putting her in a group of people who she may or may not know, and labeling that group with some derogatory term to shut the person up.  That way, they know their place and will never, ever, ever criticize anything that you do or say.  You’re just too good and I sincerely did not mean to portray you as anything less.  So, again, please accept my apologies.

But the real reason why I wrote this piece is to say that I’m afraid that I have been caught and outed—and my “dast” has “roo shodeh” as we say.  I do work for “doshmanan-e Iran” * for $7.00 per hour.  It all started a few years back when I was fired from my six figures paying job.  I sent the crew to tag Canadian Geese in Lake Chapala, Mexico instead of Lake Champlain in Vermont.  I got the seasons wrong.  I thought it was November when in fact, it was April.  I guess that’s what happens when you try to do work after a few glasses of Johnny Walker Blue.  So, out of work with an Ivy League PhD, and in a desperate need to pay my mortgage, I was looking for a job…any job.    The local McDonalds was hiring for $10.00 / hr., but as a vegan, I had a moral objection to working there.  So, when I saw the sign in front of the local synagogue that advertised jobs for people who wanted to work for “Iran’s enemies,” I jumped on the opportunity.  I walked in and registered.  I should also add that I had another motivation for joining the “enemies of Iran**” effort.   I’m a Pahlavi leftover and I want to get my glory back by destroying Iran—even though I was an infant during the last year of Shah’s reign and my parents were not, in any way, connected to Shah’s regime.  Still, that baby formula that I got when Shah was around was just superb, and I want it back, Damn It!!

My first “job” meeting was at the Israeli consulate in Manhattan.  I met with Rabbi Shlomo Goldenberg, the Chief Anti-Iran Jew (can you believe that’s actually a position in Israel?).  He then set me up for a meeting of the Anti-Iran Council of Iranian.com and Iroon.com, chaired by Fred (whose real name is Mordechai Rabinowitz).  Others in attendance were Faramarz, Fozoli, Hamal, Shazdeh, and essentially everyone else with whom you have or ever had a difference of opinion on any subject whatsoever on either Iranian.com or iron.com.  You were brilliantly correct in your assumptions.  They are ALL anti-Iran Jews.  Afarin!  In any event, we decided to call our group the “dar-o-dasteh,” which, once again, you correctly and brilliantly discovered with your powers of deduction.

Quite frankly, what surprised me the most was the hourly pay rate.  I mean, they offered me $7.00 an hour (as a commenter on your blog brilliantly discovered as well), which is even below my state’s minimum wage.  They “Jewed” me on that, as “we” say (wink, wink).  I mean, come on, how cheap can you get?  You are absolutely right when you say “ey goor-e pedar-a har chi Kalimiyeh.”  You are even more correct when you say if Iranian Jews don’t like it, they should go to Israel.  Right on!!  They’re guests in our country.  I don’t care if they’ve been there for three thousand years.  Uncle Adolf told them the same thing—if you don’t like it, leave.  They didn’t, and they got what they deserved!  Am I right or am I right?  High five!

Anyway, when they were handing out the anti-Iranian assignments, and “how to help the enemies of Iran *** by pretending that you are against the Islamic Republic, because only enemies of Iran hate the Islamic Republic and all Iranians love it” manual (I know, it’s quite a long name for a handbook) I was assigned to your blogs and posts.  I was told by Rabbi Goldenberg that –as you correctly claim—you are the most powerful commentator on Iranian sites, and that your comments and blogs are the single most powerful existential threat to Israel and all Jews, and had it not been for your posts, Israel would have bombed Iran years ago.  You, Hamid Dabashi and Niloufar Parsi.  They call you three the “Iranian Trio who will destroy the Jews and bring balance to the Force”—I meant the planet (sorry, got carried away with Star Wars lingo for a bit).  You three will accomplish with your online posts what Gamal Abdelnasser, Moamar Ghaddafi, Saddam Hossin, Hafez Assad, Hassan Nasrollah, Hassan Al-Bakr, Yasser Aarafat, King Hossein, Hamas, PLO, Ruhollah Khomeini and Ali Khamenei have so far failed to do for the past 65 years.  So, the entire Mossad is there to stop you.  Please be careful!!

In closing, I have to say, thank you dear Souri.  Thank you for motivating me to write this blog.  It was extremely liberating and cathartic. Now everyone knows where me and my “dar-o-dasteh” come from, and it’s all because of you and your powers of observation and deduction.  

PS- I totally agree with you about that whole “freedom of speech” nonsense.  As you correctly point out, it’s not even worth talking about.  It just creates chaos like it has done to this site.  You can’t even tell the “sar-o-tah” of the site.  One needs to have order.  Look at Farsnews.com for example.  Beautiful! All orderly and nice.  Not even a single comment.  You go there to read what you agree with, you read it, feel even better about what you already believe in, and leave.  Now, THAT’s what I call a site.  Thanks again for clarifying that for the readers also. 

* I often wonder why Iran should have so many enemies.  Could it be the result of 35 years of arbadeh-keshi, embassy attacking, hostage taking, terrorism, promises and claims that they will destroy this country and that country, flag burnings, daily chants of “marg bar zamin-o-zaman?” But then I say to myself, are you kidding me?  We have the absolute, Allah given right to do and say all of those things.  We are Iranians, and as such, we are inherently entitled to shout at and threaten everybody.  They just have to accept it.  We’re just special that way.  That’s not the reason why we have so many “doshmans.”  We have all those “doshmans” because they want to stop our greatness.  They’re envious   I mean, we have invented the ….wait a minute, it will come to me….medicine? No.  Computers? No. That’s not it either.  Aircraft? No.  Cars? No.  Ships? No. Space travel? No, that’s not it either… Anyway…It’ll come to me at some point. For now, all we have to know is that we’re just great and that’s why they’re jealous.  That’s all.

** See (*) above.

*** See (**) above.