Dear Secretary Pompeo,

Recently some of our less than astute folks at the total legit sounding NIAC theory, wasted yet more Iranian CEO donations by taking out a hugely embarrassing ad in the Los Angeles Times, asking you to stand down on acting on Iran.

Please note and notice that this amateur group of “friends”, (incapable of resisting the urge to advertise their various foundations and fortune schemes on the ad), are neither authorized, nor certified (although they are certifiable) to speak on behalf of the Iranian-American "community" (if you can call total suscpicion and disunity a community), nevermind express what we want collectively.

If you are interested (and knowing us as well as you apparently do, why would you be?), what EVERY Iranian-American wants above anything else, first and foremost, before Democracy, is for Iran to be Free of the Islamic Republic. How to go about getting that done is a whole different story, and we have many opinions. But again, you know that about us, so you probably would never ask that question. 

On behalf of the addled who wasted a perfectly good page in the LA Times, I apologize.

And it is our fault.

Iran used to be for better, but as you so eloquently stated, has turned for the worse.

And it is our fault.

In 1953 when the US and UK overthrew Mossadegh by framing him as a communist and traitor, over 300 Iranian journalists were all too willing to take your bribes and write false articles about him that eventually, successfully besmirched his name, leading to your undeserved victory of covert regime change, and the downfall of Iran’s briefest path to Jeffersonian democracy. Yes, over 300 willing Iranian journalists helped you do that.

And that is our fault.

In 1979 when the Shah cowardly abandoned and fled Iran (again), tail tucked below his cancerous Pancreas, we allowed Khomeini to waltz down the Air France staircase like Fred Astaire about to bang Ginger Rogers (again), eventually giving Osama Bin Laden an inspired mission in life. Once again, we stood by and let it happen. Even we find that hard not to admit (in private).

And that is our fault.

For the past 40 years, as Iran has ironically grown into it's own fat Pan-Theocratic Cancer, we have sat idly by, gaining weight and real estate, as we watched a beautifully Technicolor country turn black with Hejabs, Blue with the bruises of the beaten, raped, and tortured, and Red with the blood of always reluctant heroes, whose names will never be known.

And that is our fault.

When the Obama administration promised to lift sanctions on the- as you so eloquently put it, Mafia that runs the Iranian economy, even though we knew NOTHING would change, we once again said NOTHING, once again did NOTHING, and politely golf-clapped hoping the tiniest white ball would somehow make it into some sort of hole. It didn’t. Because there are 2 things you can never do; one is play golf with the Mafia, two is to play chess with an Iranian who only knows Backgammon. The sanctions were lifted. And nothing changed.

And that is our fault.

Which brings us to here and now. And your bravely accurate speech about the reality of Iran today. Alas, you have pegged us perfectly! We cannot hide any longer. We are certainly a most magnificent worthless lot. As the LA Times ad shows, even when faced with being totally busted at our own denial, we will still refuse to accept our self inflicted defeat.

So let me be the first to admit what you should by now know as true. Don’t listen to us. We are neither relevant to the conversation the US must now have about what to do with Iran. Nor are we relevant to the wailing, whining, and Islamic bleating about what Iran must do about the US.

We are stupid passengers, annoying everyone in coach, eating peanuts loudly, clapping to shitty Iranian pop songs, on a flight to nowhere. The very last thing you should ever do, is ask us how to fly the plane.

And that is our fault.

Do what you want with Iran. Do what you must with Iran. Just know that apparently, obviously, without the slightest doubt, we simply don't care. We are like cockroaches. We adapt and survive. Actually I'm being too harsh. We are slightly better than cockroaches. Because we adapt, survive, and thrive. We have been doing it for 2,500 years of consistent meticulously applied tyranny.

And that too is our fault.