The White House

Office of the Press Secretary

For Immediate Release

March 21, 2017



- - - - - - -

Protecting the Nation from Iranian-American Community Cooperation and General Positive Camaraderie in the United States

     By the authority vested in me as President by the Constitution and laws of the United States of America, including the Hassle and Mess with Iranian-Americans Act (HMIA), 13 U.S.C. 1979 et seq., and section NWRZ of title 13, United States Code, and to protect the American people from Iranian-American Cooperation, Mutual Respect, and General Conviviality in the United States, it is hereby ordered as follows:

     Section 1.  Purpose.  By doing nothing, the United States must maintain and encourage a constant current state of mistrust and general uneasiness among the Iranian-American Community, who dare to try working together to accomplish just about anything that might remotely help them become happier in the US. Blame, suspicion, generally self destructive selfishness among themselves for the pettiest of reasons, self promotion at the cost of each others’ prosperity, plays a crucial role in stopping them from enjoying their over privileged lives in the United States. Perhaps in no instance has this been more apparent than every single day since February 11, 1979.

     Numerous Iranian and American-born individuals of Iranian descent have been implicated in often embarrassing, petty arguments derived from self loathing, and generally hilarious self destructive-related behavior since February 11, 1979, including Iranian nationals who entered the United States after receiving visitor, student, or employment visas, or who entered through the United States refugee program while pretending (unconvincingly) to be Christians.

Excellent employment and high income conditions in the US, due to the Iranian-American obsession with over-education, an anal penchant for enthusiastic career advancement, occasional hard work, and some pretty good luck, increases the likelihood that Iranian-Americans will wake up and realize the one thing they are missing is Community Cooperation, trust, and teamwork among each other. And once they figure that out they will really get annoying.

This must be prevented from happening at all costs and by any means possible in the United States.  The United States must be especially vigilant during the upcoming NoRooz NowRuz NrfRyz annual Persian New year’s celebration, because this is especially the time when Iranian-Americans get most excited, motivated, inspired, and worse, horny. 

To ensure that Iranian-Americans remain self loathing, doubtful, pessimistic, and mistrustful of each other, and continue to do each other personal, vile, and the most hurtful intended social embarrassing, and shameful harm, the United States must ensure that those Iranian-Americans who have been admitted to this country, continue to bear hostile attitudes toward themselves, and above all never find out about, or get a clue, or god forbid implement any of the founding principles of community building, community enrichment through cooperation among citizens, or any sort of selfless act of sacrifice, volunteerism, any thing that might in any way allow Iranian-Americans to be happy together, supportive of one another, and super-productive as a group, for once.

Especially this must be done because not one blessed Iranian-American has ever had any ties to terrorism. This will confuse them even more.

     In order to ensure that those Iranian-Americans admitted to this country continue to bear hostile attitudes, general malcontentedness, malfeasance, and just barely this much shy of outright libel and false accusations towards each other, especially towards any of their founding community leaders who have ever made the mistake of trying to organize this unruly lot, the United States cannot, and should not, ever privately or publicly admit that those Iranian-Americans who support the Constitution, might be worth something.

In addition, the United States should never try to stop Iranian-Americans who engage in acts of petty jealousy, bigotry, hatred (including their tribal tradition of “Na-mardi” back-stabbings, rumor-monging reputation trashing social media violence against Iranian-American women, by Iranian-American women, or the common public and dinner party persecution of anyone who has read up on it, and tried to practice common every day normal community building techniques that go against the weird and bizarrely different Iranian-American dictator driven versions that never ever work).

There is no need to worry about the oppression of Iranian-Americans of any race, gender, or sexual orientation. They take care of that very well amongst themselves.

     Sec. 2.  Policy.  It is the policy of the United States to protect its citizens from foreign nationals who intend to commit terrorist attacks in the United States; and to prevent the admission of foreign nationals who intend to exploit United States immigration laws for malevolent purposes. Except for Iranian-Americans. Who are their own worst enemy. There is simply nothing the United States can do to stop them from hurting each other. Especially during the upcoming NoRooz NowRuz NrfRyz annual Persian New year’s celebration. They have that area more than covered.

          (e)  After the 30-day period of the upcoming NoRooz NowRuz NrfRyz annual Persian New year’s celebration described in subsection (z) of this section expires, the Secretary of Homeland Security, in consultation with the Secretary of State, and the President shall go about their normal business, now that the urge by Iranian-Americans to once again try and become some sort of full fledged effectively organized community expires, and they return to their pods for re-incubation until next year, when the mood and other nasty urges will no doubt strike them again.

         Sec. 11.  General Provisions.  (a)  Nothing in this order shall be construed to impair or otherwise affect anything.

(i)   the authority granted by law to an executive department or agency, or the head thereof, is essentially irrelevant.

     (b)  This order shall be implemented consistent with applicable energy and subject to the availability of appropriation of anyone's slightest interest.

     (c)  This order is not intended to, and does not, create any right or benefit, substantive or procedural, enforceable at law or in equity by any party against the United States, its departments, agencies, or entities, its officers, employees, or agents, or any other person, mineral, or vegetable.